Today's Animals

One More, to Make up for the Last One

(note: scroll slowly and don't look at the answer until you're done reading the question)

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

My BOSS

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing,
"I just love hearing it..."

Ice Magic

See more pictures on http://www.pictures.vaty.net/

Funny Pictures

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the MotherShip.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the guns down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up anyhow."

Mega lol!!!

Top 10 List on Ways to Avoid Molestation by Uncle Gregory at the Family BBQ

10. Refuse to play spin the bottle, no matter how many bottles he offers to empty
9. When Uncle Gregory isn't wearing pants, do NOT sit on his lap and ask him to tell you a story
8. Refuse to have him show you how they played 'leapfrog' back when he was in the navy
7. A hearty handshake is usually the proper way to greet your uncle, not a slobbery soul kiss
6. Refuse to find out exactly what 'Mr. Snuggles' is
5. Strip old maid is not a way to make the card game more exciting
4. Refuse to play his particular game of 'Poke e man'
3. Friendly shoulder rubs should not involve k-y, whipped cream or massage oil
2. Do not ask to see his hernia scar

and #1.
It is not proper etiquete for an uncle to consummate his love for his nephew

How was your weekend

A touching elephant story

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seems distressed so the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot only to find a large thorn deeply embedded.

As carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The elephant turns to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stares at him. For a good ten minutes the man stands frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant turns and walks away.

For years after, the man often remembers and ponders the events of that day.

Years later the man is walking through the zoo with his son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of the elephants turns and walks over to where they are standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man can't help wondering if this is the same elephant.

The man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the elephant and stares back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs and swings him wildly back and forth along the railing, instantly killing him.

Obviously not the same elephant.

Dont forget to Njoy every day of your life...

An insect falls into a mug of beer...

Reactions:------------->>>
Englishman:
Throws his mug away and walks out
American:
Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese:
Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Japanese:
Drinks the beer with insect as it is coming free
Indian:
Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new
mug of beer. ......INTELLIGENT INDIANS
Pakistani:
-Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer
-Relates the issue to Kashmir
-Asks the Chinese for Military aid
-Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer

Funny Babymonkey )))

Instructions on how to clean your toilet

Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

In Sanity

In sanity is the idea that a piece of paper is worth several thousand dollars and at least four years of one's life.
In sanity, one thinks that a thousand dollar piece of paper will guarantee a life of comfort and luxury.
In sanity lies the belief that all are meant to live the same way.
In sanity is the feeling that one is worth only what one is paid.
In sanity is found the thought that a marriage without children is empty and pointless.
In sanity, one believes that a parent is only as valuable as their child.
In sanity is the idea that one's child must be kept constantly busy whether he or she likes it or not.
In sanity, a child is only as valuable as his or her achievements.
In sanity is working one's whole life to enjoy only the last, brief and painful years of it.
In sanity is working a job one hates to get money that is never enough to buy things that never satisfy.
In sanity alone is promiscuous sex assured as passive, recreational and meaningless.
In sanity one can be in love that is comfortable, passive, unchanging and painless.
In sanity, love is effortless and takes care of itself.
In sanity is the comfortable acknowledgment of a higher power with no strings attached.
In sanity is the belief that one can mix together religion as a salad bar, taking all one wants and leaving that which one does not.
In sanity, the only morality is that which gets you ahead or gets you off.
In sanity are people who believe that every aspect of their lives can and should be planned without any hitches along the way.
In sanity, art is an industry.
In sanity we are told that art, any means by which we express ourselves, is nothing more than an unstable career choice.
In sanity is the thought that art is a choice.
In sanity one finds entertainment that is only unchallenging, inoffensive, thoughtless, soulless and geared toward the lowest wrung of societal taste.
In sanity, violence is always wrong and always avoidable.
In sanity that which does not immediately satisfy is without merit.
In sanity is the life of paper: Diploma, Degree, Certification, Paperwork, Marriage Certificate, Mortgage, Birth Certificate, Paperwork, Retirement Plan, Death Certificate.
In sanity is one always in control.
In sanity, only that which is popular is worth considering.
In sanity one must form thoughts, opinions, feelings and lives according to those of all others.
In sanity, one hides his or her own thoughts, opinions, feelings and lives.
In sanity, such an act shall have no consequences.
In sanity, those who follow the rules, work hard at the right job, procure and produce the right family shall always succeed.
In sanity is the nexus of endless expectation, constant worry, consistent disappointment, unlived life, unfelt love and never ending labor.
In sanity, one finds happiness in this nexus.
In sanity is silence.
In sanity ain't me.

Uncle Fucka ))))

Smart Ass xD

The Faint- Worked up so sexual

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,"

he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?'

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with you ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

IF YOU WOULD

One morning, a middle aged man approached his wife while she was dressing and squeezed her buttocks. “You know,” he said, “If you got rid of a bit of this, you wouldn’t need those enormous belly-hugging knickers.”
The mans wife bit her tongue and said nothing. The man lifted one of her sagging breasts, “And if you firmed these up a little,” he said, “You wouldn’t need that reinforced Victorian bra you keep strapping on.”
The mans wife remained silent and continued dressing. The man then pressed his hand against her bulging stomach, “And maybe if you lost a little of this” he said, “You wouldn’t need that super-strength Rhino-skin girdle you bought either.”
Out of patience, the mans wife could hold her temper no more, she swung around and grabbed his crotch forcefully. “And if you had a couple more inches on this” she hissed, “I wouldn’t need the gardener, the postman or your frigging brother!”

Europe colluded in CIA prisoner moves

Fourtteen European countries colluded in or tolerated the secret transfer of terrorist suspects by the US.

And two of them -- Poland and Romania -- may have harboured CIA detention centres, according to a report from the Council of Europe.

``It is now clear -- although we are still far from establishing the whole truth -- that authorities in several European countries actively participated with the CIA in these unlawful activities, the report says. ``Other countries ignored them knowingly, or did not want to know.''

The report lists Britain, Sweden, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Italy, Macedonia, Germany and Turkey as countries ``responsible, at varying degrees

Seven other countries ``could be held responsible for collusion -- active or passive'': Poland, Romania, Spain, Cyprus, Ireland, Portugal and Greece.

Drawn up by Swiss parliamentarian Dick Marty, the report identifies a ``spider's web'' of landing points around the world used by US authorities for ``extraordinary rendition'' -- the undercover transfer of security suspects to third countries or US-run detention centres.

``The US ... actually created this reprehensible network. But we also believe ... it is only through the intentional or grossly negligent collusion of the European partners that this web was able to spread also over Europe,'' the report says.

Source: Australian, The, JUN 08, 2006