Why Russians are very good at Chess

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa (in Russia) was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow.

Ahh? But just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet?

He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?
The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law.

But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name.

What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled passenger. " But how is it that you know my name ?"

"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

Funny story

4-5 years ago I have got acquainted with cool girl in adult dating service.
she lives about 2 hours away from seattle where I was living at the time...
and I barely see her again, but we email each other every few weeks.
eventually we deciede to give a shot at dating, dispite the distance, and I say she can come to seattle and stay at my place for the weekend, cause she wanted to sometime.
well, I hadn't seen her for like 6 months or so.
and she drive up...
I am on my balcony, 4 stories above the parking lot, and see her truck.
she is skin and bones...

lost like 40 pounds since I last saw her.
it was just shocking really...
I wanted to act like I wasn't home or something cause it was just too weird.
so she comes up and I let her in, friendly hug and I am trying to start some small talk, and thinking of "what now" anyways, we sat down for a half hour and start talking, and damn if that little "spark" wasn't there still and although she was alittle odd on appearance from when I last saw her, I got comfortable talking to her.
thats all it really takes for me to like someone, is to be able to talk to them.
so we are talking and telling stories about life and the last few months or so...
we get hungry and decieded to go out to dinner for some chinese food.
we get some food, and I bought alot of it too for her and I...
and damn it, she was trying like hell to avoid eating.
so we end up in a park, and she's telling me "I already ate"
when about 20 minutes ago in my apartment, she was saying she was hungry from the long drive...

(it also would have helped if she told me she didn't want to eat, BEFORE I bought the food)

anyways, the weekend was weird.
nothing really happend.
she stayed up with me talking all night a few night.
we slept on the floor in sleeping bags talking.
no kissing.
every now and then she would hug me.
she cooked alot for me, but never really her.
monday came, and she left.

the whole thing was something of a disaster.
that I kept hoping would get alittle better and it did.
kinda.

I wasn't attracted to her anymore physically, and I am sorry to say, but that was the honest truth. to me "too skinny" is just alittle strange.
but she was still a great girl.
so I agreed to go to her place 2 hours away in 2 weeks for 4 days.

2 weeks later, and I arrive.
she lives in a very cool little place, she has great style and decorations, and the place just smelled like she cooked a damn good meal just an hour before.
the day was nice, we talk alot again.
walk around...
go home later.
then she tells gets a phone call and shes mad.
I ask whats wrong, she says don't worry about it.
so she asked what I wanted for dinner, I said I have no idea.
look around her kitchen, and saw almost no food.
alittle bit of granola cerial, some brown rice, and a few other bare minimum foods.
but nothing that could really make a filling meal.
so I said, lets go to the store.
we do, and there, we see this truck go by, and she got really quiet.
don't know why yet...

anyways, we get home, I start to make dinner.
she pans and pots are all over the place and she takes over the dinner.
I sat at the table and talked to her the whole time, sensing she was alittle shy about something. I choose to avoid it, and just peel some potatos.

well that night, we were up all night again, talking, sleeping on a floor in sleeping bags and in the darkness she leaned over to kiss me.
that was kinda nice really.
nothing happens.
we go to bed.
not a bad day, all in all.

the next morning I wake up, and it's barely 8 am, and she's up and cooking.
smelled great, and I ask to take a shower.
after the shower she says she wants to talk to me.

so she sits down and tells me this long story how she just broke up with this guy after 2 years. I was alittle shocked cause I met her like 6-7 months before this.
she says she was mad after some phone call last night. cause he called and said if she didn't come to get her stuff, he was gonna throw it all out when he gets back from work tommorow.

so she decieded she wants to go get a "few" boxs of her stuff, that morning while he is at work all day.
being the nice guy, or just a guy in a small town with nothing to do and no where to go...
I offer to help her get her stuff, she kinda was happy and said yes.
we get there...
and a few boxs turn out to be 50.
multiple trips later of her truck filled, it's nearly 5pm and she's expecting her ex home any second, so I am like "great, this dudes gonna come here and see me, in his house and get all pissed about it, and make a scene"

but we make it out of there in time.
everything appears ok.

so I avoid the Ex-bullet in the knick of time.

the rest of that day was ok, we went to see a play about dracula, and for being a small town theater, the play was actually really well done, so I thought it was a nice night out with her.

the next day was alittle plain, we went to a beach and hiked around all day, and talked.
but thats where it began...

she begins telling me things aren't "right", and hinting that her health is fragile.
no big deal, I kinda figured somethings not right anyways with the weight thing.
anyways, she tells me her stomach is shot cause she has a blood disease that does all this crazy damage to her body over time.
sympathetic I just listen.

then she tells me about fatigue, and how she gets tired from almost nothing.
ok....

then she tells me this LOOOOOOOONG list of food she can't eat (which explain the chinese food)

then she begins telling me about like 10 other things that are either seriously screwed up with her, or will be in the next few years.
kidney failures and comas and seizures and all this other stuff to expect.

by this point I was bug eyed...
like damn, how many things could go wrong in one person??

anyways, I took it all in, the shock of it all didn't really hit me till I got home a few days later.

being the stand up guy I try to be, I said "we'll deal with things as they come".
and we talked alittle on the phone now and then.
she came over every few days.

then it got creepy.

she started saying crazy stuff like "you don't love me", and she was getting super clingy, and I am just like "damn, we met each other like 10 days ago, what do you expect"
then she started calling at like 4 am, to see if other girls would pick up.
it didn't help at all that my roomate was by best friend sara...

then I had to hear all this crazy jealousy stuff.
I mean just off the wall, made up paranoia stuff.

in a last ditch effort to let her get relaxed, I said come over, stay the weekend.
we'll talk.

in that time, she told me like 10 more things that were permanantly screwed up with her insides, including one that just blew me away.
her "bits and pieces" were shot to hell and removed and she was never gonna have sex again in her life, cause she didn't have the desire and such...
by that time, I was just like "wow... what have I gotten myself into"
I wasn't into her since she drove up to my place from the first moment.
but I tried to give it all a shot.
it kinda worked.
enough for us to spend 3 weekends together.

but then she started going psycho, and saying crazy stuff, and saying she loved me and being jealous of things that "might happen", and every other day telling me some other thing was either gonna fall off, get removed, turn cancerous, or just get infected. while she may end up blind, deaf, retarded or in a coma anytime in the next 10 years of her life.

you ever see that movie with marlon wayons, where he's making out with this girl, and she's like "I got something to tell you" and he's all horny and stuff...
then she pulls off her weave??

he was like "I don't mind, I like me a freak"
then she's hold on, theres more.

then she pulls off her eyebrows, push up bra, make up, padded butt shape thing, then she pulls off her leg too...

thats kinda what I felt like.

I dont know if I really would have cared about her being sick and such.
I thought about that sometimes after, if I would have just stayed with her.
if she didn't start getting jealous and turning psycho on me.

anyways, by the time she left that weekend, it was pretty cold between us.
it was mainly me, cause she tried to hug me on the way out, and I acted like "do I have to"
she kinda saw that her acting psycho didn't really win over any extra time for her, and that I was pretty much giving up on her.

a few phone calls later started to confirm she was just alittle mental.
she was calling telling me about some dude she met.
when I would just go "uh huh" and let the topic die, the phone calls just kinda ended.
that was the last I ever saw of her.

to bad really, she was a great cook, great sense of style and such.
nice girl really.
just picked the wrong dude to get crazy over.

Electric Chair

Three women went to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and asked if she has any last words. She said, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They threw the switch and nothing happened. They immediately fell to the floor on their knees; begging for her forgiveness, and released her.

The second one, a brunette, was strapped in and her last words were, "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They threw the switch and, again, not hing happened. They fell to their knees; begged for her forgiveness, and released her.

The last one, a blonde, was strapped in and said, "Well, I'm from the University of Arkansas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!"

Read more jokes on http://jokemail.blogspot.com/

Beauty of Ice

When Silence is Punishment

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, " Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him ."

God smiled. "Think about it--who can he tell ?"

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If College Students Wrote the Bible

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font and a new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

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